Echoes

The last time I wrote I said I had promised some important people that I would keep up with my blog again. I told my mom I would write more often, so she could hear my thoughts and know what we were up to. But she never came home from the hospital; I was too distraught and distracted to write and she never had a chance to read it.

Now I find myself thinking thoughts that seem like they belong to a 5-year-old. I don't know what happens after death. I know she's not here, but where is she? Or, is she at all? Can she see me, can she hear my thoughts now, without needing my silly blog?

Her memorial service was beautiful, everyone agreed. The funeral home we used was much better than the one we used last week for my grandmother. This one made a video tribute from pictures we provided, they recorded and webcasted the service, and they made a lovely 16x20" memory portrait that now enjoys pride of place between the dining room and the kitchen. Coincidentally, I had a brand new, still wrapped wooden frame in the basement with my things... I bought it years ago because I thought it was beautiful, but never found the right use for it, and then it was too big and fragile to take to Turkey, so here it stayed. Her portrait looks perfect in it, as if they were made for each other, and the frame suits the house perfectly as well. It waited a long time to find its purpose, but I'm glad it has.

The flower arrangements we made turned out well, too. Since she was cremated, there was no grave to put flowers, so we thought it was silly to buy a bunch of big, expensive bouquets from the florist, especially since we didn't love the ones we saw anyway. So we decided to buy unarranged flowers that meant something to us and make the bouquets ourselves. Mom's favorite flower was yellow roses, so we got two dozen yellow and two dozen mixed color. Oguz and I chose three bunches of tulips in yellow, purple and a gorgeous yellow-tipped red to symbolize our love from Turkey. Oma bought a sophisticated mix of white flowers. Dad also loves stargazer lilies, so we got 3 stems of those from a local florist. They were as big as umbrellas. Oma and I made the bouquets in our own vases, including some green filler and white accent flowers from some of the arrangements we brought home from my grandmother's funeral last week. Our finished bouquets were all lovely, and the funeral director even asked where we got them. Oguz said it was because they see hundreds of flower arrangements every week and they all pretty much follow the same pattern, but ours were unique. That made me happy. Mom deserved something special.

You can't feel sad about something like this all the time, it would be overwhelming. I feel normal, I feel happy, I have a lot to be happy about and look forward to, and I'm enjoying spending time with my dad. But it's as if I'm standing at the edge of a canyon into which someone shouted something terrible, and the echo reaches me often: She's gone. She's gone. It's a scenario we often pondered, but now it's so... true.

Too much stress and sadness, I've gotten sick. I've tried really hard to stay healthy, but I admit our eating habits haven't been the best, and it's a lot to withstand. Can't take medicine because of junior, but I guess it's just a cold, so no big deal. In fact, I think it's time for bed, the more rest the better, right? Goodnight.

Renewal

Hello, if anyone out there is still listening. I have made personal promises to some important people solemnly swearing that I would start writing again. Here I am. I hope you're there, too.

Life gets away from us. We're busy with what we assume is living. I could go on and discuss the present moment and stuff, but I'll skip that. On a less zen note, I've tried to figure out why I'm so bad at keeping in touch, but no answers are forthcoming. I miss, I long for, I think of, I intend, but the messages never make it out. I miss you, friends and family. You're always on my mind even if it seems you're not. Yes, I do mean you.

Getting away from us notwithstanding, life is very good. Even in the thick of winter I can say that, which makes this year better than most. O and I are having a great time. I'll even post pictures, I'm so serious! I am doomed forever to be a facebook outcast. I can't help it, I just get an uncomfortable, squidgy feeling in my gut whenever I log on. Some people just have allergies, nothing to be done.

Anyway, more betterer stuff forthcoming. Cross my heart!

Love you all.

Time

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I decided I didn't have anything worth saying. Sigh. Those first six months were quite a honeymoon. I mean that in the thrill of a new place sense, definitely not implying anything about my relationship.

It's April, and already we are facing short sleeve weather. Oguz spent last weekend working on the boat and one day I was seriously tempted to do some bikini-clad sunbathing. A weekend or two before that we went biking along the shore from the ferry station to the Izmir Natural Life Park, passing some natural natural life along the way--flamingos and storks and other birds that come to the wetlands on the other side of Izmir Bay. We have lovely weekends. But unfortunately, for the most part my mind is engrossed in teaching, in English, in strategizing and winning over my public (er, class), and in missing my family and friends and cat. I don't study Turkish enough, I don't make friends, I don't get exercise, I just try to make it work and, if possible, feel good about it. This last bit happens often, but it's a bit of a rollercoaster. I drive myself crazy. I'm sure I drive Oguz crazy too.

Time for work.

Thursday was Grumpday, but Thursday night is aaaalright.

Today started out good, then got grumpy, and now it's back to good. The day didn't actually get grumpy, I did, but sometimes you just feel like blaming your mood on the day. And anyway, I guess I can really say the day DID get grumpy, because about 30 seconds before I had to leave for work, a terrific thunderstorm rolled in and it started pouring. It's been kinda tumultuous ever since. So there, we both got grumpy. However, now I feel way better, while the day is still gray and rainy and lightningy.

What lead to this sudden fit of grump, other than it raining as soon as I had to leave? Well, it didn't help that I was leaving for my last remaining class, a conversation class for beginners/pre-intermediate students. I know from first-hand experience that it is difficult to hold a conversation when you are at that language level... I've had plenty of awkward conversations in Turkish as evidence. However, I give the kids credit because they try hard and I do try to make the class as much fun as possible so that they want to keep coming back and practicing. This afternoon, however, I was dwelling more on the fact that for this 2 hour class I travel almost as long on public transportation.

Let me tell you something about me and buses. We don't get along. I admire their convenience and efficiency, I WANT to love them unconditionally, I really do. But apparently I have a huge problem with nausea almost every time I ride a bus. It doesn't much matter what I do... I can look out the window, I can stare at the bad hair of the people around me, I can read my current book from the iPod, but to no avail. Invariably I get off the bus miserable, in a cold sweat, hoping I can keep down my lunch (or dinner, or breakfast, depending on what time of day I ride). Luckily the feeling dissipates within a few minutes, or else I don't think I could bring myself to do it every day. Not that I have to do it every day anymore, but I probably will in the future. Sigh. It's a love/hate thing.

It's been quite warm here in Ankara for the last week or so, and so today the rain turned this place into a sauna... like, 8000% humidity. Or so it seemed as I rode the bus to work. For some reason all the little windows on the bus were closed... probably because it had just been raining 5 minutes ago. Still, a little breeze would've been nice. So we puttered on in this fashion, and I didn't even dare read lest I make it even worse. I was just thankful I had a nice cold window to press my arm against, which seems to make it tolerable. We were about halfway there when this woman two seats over pulls out a bottle of cologne (it's not perfume for guys, it's a traditional strongly lemon-scented liquid they sprinkle on your hands when you leave a restaurant or after meals at home) and starts spraying it about her person (which Oguz says is pretty ghetto). I didn't realize anything until I totally inhaled a big lung-full of the stuff and started coughing. I considered telling her to lay off, but by the time I was done coughing she was already done.

I feel bad complaining about the bus, because as bad as it makes me feel, it would suck to have to walk all the way there and back. I am thankful for it regardless. Thank you bus fairy!

I got to class a little late, because I've developed the habit of leaving the house without a single cent. This makes it hard to pay for the bus, and you end up having to wait for a bus that takes the fare card, which is fairly random from what I can tell. The last time I did this I had to watch 3 buses go by on the way home before one came that took the stupid card. So today I decided to just go back in the house and get some money, which did cut into my carefully allotted time budget, but standing in the rain after class waiting for the right bus seemed like a much less attractive proposition.It was still raining as I walked home, and when I was in the elevator coming back up to our apartment, the electricity went out, and I was right in between floors! I was so happy when it came back on a second later, let me tell you. I got home, got some money, grabbed my umbrella and headed back downstairs, and by the time I got back outside, it had stopped raining! Isn't it funny how sometimes it's just as annoying when something stops as it was when it started? It was just one of those days.

When class started, I realized I shouldn't feel grumpy about having this one lonely class. After all, until my job starts in September, it's my only gig! My only connection to students, to teaching. I'm going to stick with it as long as I can, because at this stage in my career, there is always something to learn. Today I learned that choral drills really do rock... it's not just a rumor. All the good things they said about them were true. I'm definitely going to work this in more from now on.

Speaking of learning about teaching, I am so excited about the ELT convention that starts tomorrow. A little awkward that it's being held at The University That Got Away, but I hope there's no hard feelings between myself and the faculty there. Even if there is, it won't matter much. I'll just be listening to lectures most of the time. But this is my first professional convention as a teacher, and I am so psyched! I am sure I'll have more to say about that after it's over on Saturday.

By the way, I have two charming anecdotes to relate. I think they're pretty funny. Yesterday I was doing a bit of house cleaning. The windows were open, the weather was nice, and I had just finished vacuuming and washing some windows, taking a shower and getting dressed. I wanted to put some stinky old watermelon outside with the bag of trash I put out earlier, and as I was doing so, a gust of wind came through and the door SLAMMED shut behind me. I was still bent over in the process of untying the trash bag, and I just turned my head and stared at the door. See, here, doors lock automatically. You always need a key to get in, and I didn't have my keys. I didn't have my phone, either. I didn't even have shoes! So I stared at the door for a minute taking stock of my situation, wondering what to do next. Oguz was at work, but there was some chance he might still come home for lunch. In the meantime, I rang a few doorbells to ask to use a phone, but noone answered. I looked for the doorman to use his phone, but he was nowhere to be found. After a little contemplation, I decided I would just sit on the front step of the apartment, waiting for something good to happen. So there I was, wearing shorts and a tank top, with damp hair and no shoes, chillin'. (This is not a typical look for people here, so it wasn't as comfortable as it may sound.) To my sheer DELIGHT, Oguz came home for lunch about 20 minutes after I got locked out, and I was soooooo happy! He laughed his ass off for about 2 hours, but that's ok. All's well that ends well.

The other thing I wanted to tell you was something hilarious that Oguz said this week. Recently I made tomato sauce, which involves onion garlic diced tomatoes etc etc, and I was planning on making eggplant parmigiana with it. However, Oguz got hungry around lunchtime and we didn't really have much else, so I suggested having pasta and sauce with salad for lunch, and eggplant parmigiana later. He liked the idea, but since they used the same sauce I was afraid of monotony. I said, "Are you sure you won't get tired of having the same saucy thing over and over? And he just looked me up and down like I was on the menu and said, "Does it look like I get tired of having the same saucy thing over and over?" and I blushed and laughed my butt off, it was the perfect comeback! That crazy guy... I love him!

Easy Come, Easy Go.... Easy Come Back

I guess if anyone was reading this thing, they've stopped by now! But that's ok. I should do it just for the heck of it. Oguz and I just watched the movie Marley and Me this past weekend, and as they looked back years later at a book containing clippings of all the columns he used to write for every Tuesday and Friday newspaper, I thought to myself... how cool is that. How great to have a record, a bread-crumb trail you can use to retrace your steps, if only for a few minutes, through the labyrinth of time back to your youth. So I should really write more often. And btw, I would be an awesome columnist, I think.

Anyway, enough philosophy. Back to the LIFE.

A lot has happened in the looooong, excusable time since I last wrote. Let's see... I taught my English classes, I got interested replies from the places where I sent my resume and cover letter, we went to İzmir for a week to interview at a few places, they all offered me a job, I kinda got fired from my school in Ankara, I thought for a long time about which job offer to accept while we enjoyed some sun in the summer place, I chose one, we came back to Ankara, I sent my documents to the university I chose, I'm trying to plan my trip back to the US, and now I am a house-fiancee again.

This is the part where I'm supposed to elaborate on all those things I just listed...

Umm...

Hmm.

Ok, I'll start with kinda getting fired. It wasn't very nice! See, since I'm only a part time person, I was great for filling in for other teachers when she was in a bind, and I got my own classes when no one else was available for them at the time, but then I had the audacity to tell them I couldn't come back from İzmir right away and that I needed two more days! The nerve of me! They called back and said they found other teachers to take over my classes, and I needn't come back. :( I was very attached to my students, so I actually cried for a few minutes because it was very unexpected. But then I got over it and life went on. I still got paid for the 20 days of that month that I worked, so I can't complain too much.

This is NOT the part where I stop writing, but I have to because there's only an hour until I have my conversation class, which are at the other school that didn't fire me. :)

I will continue our little review later. Ciao!

Smaller things, but no less delightful!

Driving across the country and hopping borders isn't all we do, oh no. We do all kinds of other things, too. For example, Oğuz helped his coworker buy a new desktop computer, and I tagged along to the computer store. While they were doing their thing, I wandered around looking at everything else. I found some great stuff! Check this one out:

"Laughing Doll (More Funny To Play It!)... Appealing. Handsome."
I might have to post that one to the hilarious Engrish site, which I love so much. Those crazy Chinese and their ripped-off products!

Ah, but how about THESE gems?!? What could they be?!

Oh yeah, baby. Suction-cupped toothbrush holders with automatic open and close action! When you put your toothbrush in, it automatically closes the door behind it, and likewise, when you pull it out, the doors open for you. GENIUS! And CUTE genius, to boot!

They had several models, including puppies, several kinds of dinosaurs coming out of eggs, and something else. However, my choice was easy. You see, the rhino and the lion both come from the same habitat, so I thought they would probably know the same language, have a similar cultural background, and would keep each other company.
(I know what you're thinking... what about the newly-hatched dinosaurs, wouldn't they keep each other good company? Well, my friends, do recall that we learned from The Land Before Time that the young of different species do not play together, unless forced to do so by the necessity of global climactic turmoil. Hmm.... maybe that would have worked after all...)
Anyway, the blue rhino is Oğuz and the yellow lion is me. See how they gaze at each other adoringly all day long? Surely it was meant to be.

Our new hobby of jigsaw puzzling is working out very well indeed. We just finished our second puzzle, which looks like this:

In case you don't recognize the scene, it's whirling dervishes, the Sufi devotees that spin for hours as their meditation. One of the most famous sites in Turkey, specifically in Konya. This painting is part of the Art Puzzle series, which features paintings by Turkish artists and/or of Turkish scenes. This one is called Mevlevi Dervişlerin Semasi (The Sema of the Mevlevi Dervishes) by C. Biseo. A dervish is an initiate in the Sufi path, the Mevlevi is the well-known order of Sufis known as the Whirling Dervishes, and "sema" is the ceremony in which they whirl (so sayeth Wikipedia!).
We flipped over our two finished puzzles and secured them with packing tape, because we are going to frame them and hang them! We already hung the Dervish one, since we had a spare nail in the wall, left over from previous tenants. Even frameless it is grand.
Our new puzzle, which we will start tonight, is another 1000-piecer, another Art Puzzle. This one is a depiction of three flamenco dancers, all in red and white and black. It's called "Flamenco" by Yavuz Bozkurt. Next I want to do one called "The Turtle Trainer"!

On Monday night we finally went to the Opera here in Ankara. We saw La Boheme, and it was lovely! Great practice for me, actually. I found out what the story was beforehand, and then I try to understand the Turkish supertitles (I call them that because they are projected above the stage) as the show goes along. Since it is an opera and everything is sung, it gives me plenty of time to read through and figure out the sentences! I can't wait to go to more shows. They have ballet and modern dance productions on stage, too, so there should be plenty of opportunities. AND the best part is that the tickets cost no more than a movie ticket does, which means it is both affordable and culturific!

Ok, I have to go work on tomorrow's lesson plan. I hope you are all well and happy, and I miss you.

And now, the news

It has been entirely too long since I wrote, I know. Here's what has happened in the last 3 weeks:

1. I went to Greece. I love being a tourist here so much, I decided to be one for another 3 months! We flew to İzmir, then drove to Çeşme, and then I took a ferry from there to Chios, a large Greek island quite close to the Turkish shore. The mix of people on the ferry was really amusing. Oğuz spotted another woman around my age with a USA passport as we were buying my ticket. I heard a few people speaking German near us. One woman had a Spanish passport, I think. And then there was a small flock of Korean women, which I found the most surprising and amusing. Turns out they were doing their 3-monthly visa run, too! Many of the others, though, actually wanted to see Greece.
   In the line to get through the passport check, I was approached by the woman who had the USA passport, and she asked me if I too was from the US. We started talking, sat together on the ferry, wandered around Sakız together, had lunch in a small creperie near the water, and rode the ferry back together, too. A new friend! She teaches in İzmir, and lives very near Oğuz's parents, so I'm sure we'll get together for lunch sometime when we're visiting home.
   She happened to know the Korean women, who boarded the ferry well-provisioned. A few minutes after the ferry took off and they whipped out some grocery bags containing breakfast! They offered us each a half of a simit, some cheese, a tangerine, and a sip of coffee. What smart, smart ladies!
   My new friend and I had a great time chatting about life in Turkey and our histories and stuff. She's a funny one, too. I paid for lunch (this is a very common practice in Turkey, everyone fights when the check comes to be the one who pays), and when she returned from the restroom she protested terribly. She asked me if I had any change so she could pay me back, and I coyly denied that I had any. She saw through the guise, and vowed to pay me back somehow. Her chance came sooner than I expected. She got to the little desk where you buy your new tourist visa just ahead of me, and when I got there, she had paid for my visa as well! She looked back as she was headed toward passport control and said, "Gotcha!" :) Here are some of my favorite pictures from the day (and you can see the rest on my Flickr!):
   
   
   
   
   
2. Oğuz and I drove part way across Turkey to bring the car from İzmir to Ankara. That was very cool. Some parts of the road went straight through the flat farmlands, some parts wound through the colorful, rocky hills as the elevation increased.
   One stretch passed through marble country, and there was plant after plant with huge blocks of marble sitting beside the yellow cranes, and pallets of marble tile filling the yards. The roads were strewn with marble shards of all sizes and thickness, a mosaic maker's dream!
   At one point we wound our way through a hilly pass and came out the other side into a winter wonderland! We went from a craggy red and brown and green landscape to a wide expanse of white, with the blue sky arching huge above it, white mountains in the distance, and white wisps of clouds painted in the upper reaches of the atmosphere. Both the sudden contrast and the scene itself were breathtaking.
   We stopped outside a town that is famous for its sausage ("sucuk" in Turkish, deep red, made from beef, firm with high garlic content, pungent aroma, often quite spicy). We bought some from one of the shops and then hopped across the street to a place that was making sandwiches out of it in the gyro style ("döner"). Delish!
   It took us about 7 hours to make the drive, which is a bit shorter than the overnight bus rides we were taking before. Here are some of my favorite pictures from that ride (and again, the rest are at Flickr):
   
   
   
   
   Wanna see a map of our ride? Check it out!
   
   
   View Larger Map
   
   
3. I started teaching part time! Right now I have just one class on Tuesday and Thursday nights, and it's going great! Even though I made several notes in the margin of my first lesson plan that said "FAIL." I am not discouraged in the least. Teaching is learned through teaching, and that's all there is to it. But my students are great, they try hard, and I'm learning what in the vast teaching arsenal works with them. I hope they score well on the final exam at the end of the class!
   I've spent a lot of time writing this blog, so I'm going to go work on my lesson plans for awhile now. I'll write more soon, I promise!

<3,
Me